Don't make out with my wife yet
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
