i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Randomize
