dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
