you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
