I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
