Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
