I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
