My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Randomize
