you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
