I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
