between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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