I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
