i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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