Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
He better not be in your backpack
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
