I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Randomize
