3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Randomize
