I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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