if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
