My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Boobs speak an international language.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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