I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
