I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
