I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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