Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
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