I could have mohawked her pubes.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Randomize
