Welp...herpes.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
