did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
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