Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
nutella sex= disaster
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
