Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
