i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
