she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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