remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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