She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
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