I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
