I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Randomize
