Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
