It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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