R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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