I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Randomize
