tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
