Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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