This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
