somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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