One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
