tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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