I'm eating all of the evidence.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
