i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
