I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Church boner. Awkwardddd
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
