I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
