Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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