your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
